Face Those Fears

I often run from things that make me afraid. Recently,, I had a dream,, more of a nightmare to me,, where I realize I’m all alone and can’t make it right. No matter what I do,, no matter how hard I try,, I am alone.

I get hit between the eyes on certain dates about these dreams and all of a sudden,, it doesn’t matter,, I’m all alone. Standing naked, without anything,, I’m all alone.

I shutter in fear as sweat pours off my drenched body. It seems that after all this time,, I am facing my greatest fear. A fear of being alone. No amount of drugs, women, toys, money or make-believe friends, positions, credits,, accolades, or awards change that fear,, I’m still all alone.

I wake up this morning from a deep sleep, one that is at best disturbing,, but one that is none the less sobering and very real. I often wonder if the native Americans didn’t have such “visions” / dreams during their life. I try to escape and have tried to escape for years and years from this terrible fate.

At first,, it is through the use of make-believe friends,, or believing that I am the hero of some concocted battle fought in my mind against all odds. One that is suicide, yet one that in my mind I win the day,, save the village and become the role of the hero.

Later, when the make-believe friends or situations leave my ever-expanding vastness of my own creation in my mind,, I begin to use,, well more correctly abuse alcohol and drugs.

Living in a fantasy world full of a script written in my mind that no one else ever knows about, or much less would follow,, I drift into unconsciousness and become a ghost like figure,, one foot mired in the reality of the world and one foot mired in my own make-believe world.

I just want acceptance by all I meet,, or so I think. I am what some describe as a functioning alcoholic / addict,, however the internal struggles abound in the deep dark recesses of my mind. I lash out at those who do not see me for who I believe I am and at those who can see behind the masks I wear.

If only I can become a ________,, I will be accepted by all,, thus, I reason, I will never be alone. Pretty good and logical thinking for someone impaired by alcohol and drugs used to escape my inner most fears.

So I become a lawyer, still practicing the rituals of alcoholism and drug addiction and believe that I am great at what I do. I achieve moderate success by this method. Later, I become sober and continue the eternal search to be accepted,, to not be alone.

In my mind, I am the greatest, the best lover, partner, do-gooder, fighter, provider of justice and forget all along, I’m just a scared little boy running from my greatest fear of all,, that of being alone.

I achieve the America dream,, minus children and mask that fear so deep inside me that I never take it out, examine it and face it. I never embrace it, have a conversation with it or recognize it at all.

One day, I awaken to a new style of living,, filling the void of what is gone and no more with things that mask my essence,, my fear.

I go to sleep last night and have a dream,, one of several I’ve had with a recurring theme,, I’m all alone. Even in a crowd of people in Times Square at New Year’s,, I am all alone.

I refuse and fight to embrace my reality,, I struggle and struggle with every ounce of power that exists within me and suddenly realize,, I am alone. I am only with me and me alone.

I stand naked in the mirror,, afraid to even acknowledge that this reality is my truth,, I fight it with all my heart and soul,, yet this vision / dream keeps returning to me. I am all alone.

It has been said that the man / woman / child who acknowledges their deepest darkest secret is the person who is empowered to truly become unique and achieve greatness. One who walks in the fear, accepts the fear, becomes the fear is never truly afraid.

I struggle with this daily,, not being at peace,, starting all over again,, all alone and then it hits me.

I begin to embrace it,, this fear I have,, slowly at first,, then more and more as time marches on. No more waiting for fantasy friends or situations to become reality to those on the other side of my mind. No more regretting what I used to have or be. I am free today,, free to learn,, free to go alone places on the globe I’ve never been before.

Just me,, all alone.

In the end,, the greatest gift one can give to themselves is the power to love. In order to have the power to love,, one must face and embrace their greatest fear.

Today,, I am embracing that fear and the chains of my own bondage have lifted. No more tied to a belief system that served me well to just survive for years and years,, I am free. I am afraid.

As a trial lawyer,, facing your fears about any case is terrifying,, numbness paralyzes you immediately and overcomes the ability to be creative,, to be alone facing those fears,, to live in those fears,, to understand those fears and to become those fears. I admit I am powerless over the fear of being alone,, that my life is not the way a story book should be written,, but the product of my best thinking at the time.

I never regretted going to law school,, just a number of “choices” I made along the way. Today I am free of the prison of my own mind and walk among my fear,, embracing it and now allowing it to become my greatest ally.

When facing those fears we hold onto so deeply,, we free ourselves and become the best trial lawyer we can ever be. The reasons behind the fear may never be explained, even with years of therapy,, but the liberation of letting out the darkest secret,, one that is to be taken to the grave,, is to allow the person to become free.

Today, I am never alone,, as long as I embrace that which imprisoned my for years,, that which caused me to behave the way I did for years. That which made decisions to survive is now my ally. I welcome it into my house as if it is a long-lost friend and gladly do for it what anyone else would do,, cherish the moment of freedom.

Having lost everything and having lived homeless,, I can say the fear of that experience is not as powerful as the realization of  my prison of eternal hell is now a part of me brought to the forefront. A vision if you must that changes from hereafter the way my life is lived. I am a better lawyer and a better person,, I have embraced my fear.

I am no longer afraid to go alone to places and that makes me available to remain in the moment,, which is all I have. The greatest gift a trial lawyer has is the ability to live in the moment and not let it slip away. Your clients will thank you for the miracles you perform in the courtroom over and over and your business will grow to new levels.

I hope that peace finds you this morning content and becomes your way of life,, no matter how long the journey takes. I hope you embrace your fears and bring them forward so they may become your strengths.



One Response to “Face Those Fears”

  1. Rosanne West Says:

    It is a awful feeling, sitting in the dark, hearing the noises outside a feeling of emptyness inside. I just know that every night I am going to wake up to myself. If we face our fears, they are no longer bigger than us. Always know you are not alone you do have friends…..

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