Sometimes We Are Giants In Our Dreams and Sometimes We Are Dwarfs In Our Fears

Wow, I love that saying. It brings back memories of the times in my life when I played war, cowboys and indians, Gi Joe, Rat patrol, and many other games of childhood.

I remember being a 4 star general, while my older brother was of course a 5 star general and winning the war against impossible odds,, becoming the hero for all time and winning. I remember rescuing the post, riding the fastest horse, even being appreciate for saving the day.

I remember kicking the can, skipping the rock, and fishing as a child. I remember life was all play and never any work,, just play.

I remember those moments as if they were yesterday.

Later, in life at a ripe old age of 10,, I remember being the best professional basketball player in the world,, Earl the Pearl, Pistol Pete, Jerry West, to name a few heroes whom I emulated throughout my life in fantasy,, or was it reality?

I remember the invention, well maybe playing of the board games, monopoly, blitzkrieg, etc., and then mastering the fine art of winning the game.

I remember later in life being one of the greatest trivial pursuit players ever,, at least in my mind,, memorizing facts that mattered at the time in all categories,, and realizing I am the greatest athlete ever known to mankind. In boxing, kung-fu, karate, and any other sport,, except soccer. I remember being the greatest football player in life,, actually playing guard,, even though my size was not large enough.

In reality, the giant always won,, until someone totally kicked my ass. I then remember the dark planning of “getting even”,, of avoidance,, of retreating to a life of alcohol and drugs.

I remember always being academically one of the brightest, one of the stars,, yet not measuring up to the best. I remember studying to become one of the best musicians ever,, yet never practicing or learning how to carry a tune. I remember being a dwarf in my fears and locating a safe place in my mind,, where I am the master of all.

In truth, I did become somewhat proficient at kung-fu,, I just fractured my hip, ruined my shoulder, and knees and didn’t know it.

I can’t remember why I chose alcohol and pot,, except they made me feel like I belonged,, belonged to life. Only squares didn’t drink or drug,, I’m fucking cool.

I know the rules that were set and knew I’d be a lawyer. The first time I took my LSAT test for law school,, I didn’t do so well. I never lost that dream,, so I studied and finally did okay. It is a miracle that the year I took the LSAT,, no one seemed to want to go to law school,, so I got into every place I applied.

I remember how important training and pot were to me,, that’s all that mattered to me. I am invincible with a few drinks and enough pot to kill an army.

I go to law school,, drinking my way through it,, smoking my way through it,, and working full-time doing it.

That’s my story,, the truth. I never faced my fears,, I hid them behind the substances. I finally woke up and got sober,, but the habits and patterns hurt me.

There never was any time for me,, just time for king alcohol and pot. I to this day can’t iron a shirt,, don’t know how to cook and the worst cleaner ever.

I face my fears and want them to go away,, I now embrace them and see the power in them. I see my part in this drama and saga and change it.

Today, I am me. I am who the fuck I am and I am sober. The decisions get better,, the results get better,, but the fears remain.

So I say,, embrace those fears,, walk on the side of them and find love to guide your life. Remember the gifts you are given and use them for good.

Fight for the underdog and constantly explore yourself.

Everything I do,, doesn’t always work out,, but in the end,, I want my life to be mine,, not that of a dream of someone else. I include all my mistakes,, all my learning,, all my triumphs and all that I am.

Today, I am just me. There is no other me,, just me.

May peace be with each of you as you go through your daily life and may you find “yourself”.



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