Saturday’s Deep Thinking

I see her eyes meet mine and knew immediately that it she the one in a million,, the person whose eyes pierce your very soul and see you for you are,, accept you for who you are and love you with all the compassion they have.

It is all a human being can ask. Finding the one in a million who makes your life worth living as a couple. One who understands you and accepts you as you are,, not as you want to be.

Find those eyes and follow them to your inevitable fate,, everlasting love.

I meet her in a restaurant tonight and am terrified that I am imperfect,, alone,, scared with my thoughts and feelings,,, what if she doesn’t like me? What if she thinks I’m too old?

What of she thinks I’m too imperfect and my breath doesn’t smell right? What if she doesn’t feel the same way I do? Am I a failure? Am I too afraid to reach out and say hello? I am too involved in myself that I can’t see the piercing eyes that reveal the inner most workings of her soul?

What if I’m too afraid she’ll laugh at me and not accept me for who I am,, warts and all?

Is it possible that I’m not able to see eye to eye with this one in a million person I met?

I’m too afraid,, I’m too imperfect,, I’m too short,, I’m too tall, I have a mole on my ear,, I wear glasses,, I have a million other excuses that all play games with my mind,, all thoughts that have been told to me and genetically imprinted into my being,, I am imperfect. I am a failure. I am,,, not able to see her for who she is, because I am afraid I am not being seen for who I am,, imperfections and all.

I have one goal in mind,, to meet and be loved,, to be needed,, to be wanted,, to be seen,, to be heard,,, and in return I can love,, I can see,, I can overlook all imperfections,, I can accept with unconditionally love who she is and what she is.

I am no longer afraid,, I am empowered by dreams,, dreams more powerful than liquor or drugs,, dreams of life and freedom,, of a match made with and in love,, but I am unable to face that reality.

I can be that reality,, I can be present for her,, I can accept and not judge her. I can see her, I can hear her, I can feel her and I can understand her emotions, feelings,, fears, cares, concerns and reluctance to be committed to an idea so out of touch with today’s society,, that it is all a dream,, not a reality.

I am afraid and I am not present anymore,, I have lost my ability to see, to hear,, to live,, to love,, to be intimate. I criticize the simple things in her life that make her who she is. I argue with her,, I demand perfection,, I am too hard on her and in truth on me.

I am afraid. I can not see the truth anymore,, the one in a million. I can not see or feel the emotions anymore,, they vanish like waves that come onto a beach and break and then go away,, to where we know not,, there are real for a fleeting moment,, then gone forever.

I lose love ,, I lose my dreams,, all because I lose sight of my imperfections,, my fears. I do not embrace them,, I run from them,, just ike I run from the woman I see as one in a million. I am paralyzed.

I have nothing,, I am nothing,, she will not like me because I am not the leader of the tribe. I am not the hero,, even though I want to be one, ,, I lose the intimacy,, I lose the moment and now she is gone,, forever.

I hold onto that memory and dream about how it would have been,, the perfect life,, and it is gone,, never to happen,, never to materialize,, all gone forever.

I am nothing,, I am nobody and I am afraid, So I dream my dreams in my head of love and realize the dreams are nothing,, they are not real..

I am distorting reality to suit my mind and my mind is slowly killing me,, oh to be imperfect and demand perfection.

I am saddened. I walk into a crowd and am all alone forever, the one in a million dream is gone, forever done,, forever finished.

If I could just accept my imperfections, and acknowledge they are there for everyone,, I wouldn’t be so tough on me.

I can appreciate in my mind how I will love her, yet in reality,, I am pissed,, because I am afraid of not being accepted by the one who truly sees me.

Ain’t life a bitch? Ain’t it strange that I want this so much and I destroy it so fast?

Why? Why? Why?

Is my inner child, teenager and adult out of perfect balance in my life and by the way,, just who in the fuck is running it?

The child screams it is all a horrible tragedy,, the teenager screams I know it all and the adult must hear, carry and see all the parts and become wisdom?

How can one win a battle that one wants to lose?

In the end,, life will be over,, will I ever meet the one in a million? The truth is I already have. Everyone is one in a million,, it’s all how I am.



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