Saturday’s Schedule

I didn’t sleep as well as I want to last night. I am concerned about building my business,, my unfinished business, my personal life and other things that I worry about.

I am visibly upset with certain situations that make my blood pressure go up and I’m upset with situations that I place myself in. I often wonder if I’m alone. You see, I place myself into situations that tend to be a repeat of things that have been bad for me in the past,, yet I tend to follow that pattern over and over.

I guess the years of therapy and the work I’m doing on myself make me realize a hell of a lot sooner the mistakes I let myself get trapped in. Hence,, I am able to see these situations earlier on, make escape plans and then figure ways out. It seems to me that I usually try to fit a particular “role”. Maybe that’s why I ultimately became an attorney, I don’t know, but as I recognize these patterns,, I see myself over and over again placing me into that role and then the end results are always disastrous for my mental and sometimes physical health.

I am told by my therapist I’m getting better, but then again,, money does talk and maybe the therapist is correct, maybe not. I just know I now observe things from a “director’s” point of view when I have questions and not necessarily from my inside personal point of view.

I guess my disease of alcoholism makes me defiant to a certain extent and sometimes the ones who are helping me,, offer advice (rules) that I don’t always follow. I am always the one who “learns” along the way.

I see many mistakes I make and then know it is my mistake,, my part I play in it and not anyone else. I also know that observing things from the “director’s” point of view make some decisions easier to make,, sometimes I make the decisions anyway,, however, I am acutely aware of these “decisions” not only quicker, but the feelings of why I do this become more and more prevalent as time goes on.

Anyway, the truth for me is this,, I feel I’m getting better,, I am recovering from things I am not even aware I have. I suppose that “wonderful” diagnosis manual,, the DSM,, should be examined by me to see what else I am suffering. Just for now, just for today,, the ultimate truth is this for me,, I am wounded as I go through life, I am recovering as I go through recovery.

I am not perfect,, nor is anyone else. I must remember to accept those people who are who they are and where they are in their life,, and not where I expect them to be. Also, maybe it’s time to change roles for me. Maybe it’s time just to learn to accept me just as I am,, just for me.

This is my Saturday,, welcome to it.

May peace be with you and your family throughout your day and life and may you find your joy and happiness that will guide you in your journey as you continue to live.



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